Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
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