Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
