So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
