I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
we're making bets on your personal life
I miss vodka workout Fridays
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
