awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
