sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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