Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Randomize
