i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
