i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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