he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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