When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
