Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Randomize
