the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
