It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
