I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
