i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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