You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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