I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
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