I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
