wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
