I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Randomize
