I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
