Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
