I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
