Are we in a gay sports bar?
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
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