I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Randomize
