guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
