He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
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