I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Randomize
