i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
