I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
