my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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