last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Randomize
