and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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