I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
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