So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
