I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Randomize
