you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
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