I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
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