If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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