Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
