theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
