all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
