There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
