Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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