I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
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