I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Randomize
