If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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