Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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