I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
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