My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
