just survived the first fart of the relationship.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
