I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
